The day every mother dreads...well at least I was dreading it. The day my first born baby boy goes to Kindergarten. The day I watch my heart walk away from me...walking farther and farther away where I can't protect him from the harsh reality that is life. He is growing up before our eyes. Today is the day...the day I let him go, on a journey only he can manage. There isn't a text book or blog post...nope not even mine...that can prepare you for the feelings that wave over you as your child starts Kindergarten.
Motherhood flashes before your eyes, and all the sudden you see you 5 year old Kindergartener meet your crying gaze and they turn back into a newborn. You can't picture them as anything else, all you can see in this moment is a baby that you created out of love, looking up at you as if you are their everything. You see their dark eyes, long eyelashes, and soft baby smooth skin resting quietly on your chest as you rock them to sleep in the middle of the night. It is just the two of you, just the two of you against the world. In these moments you are their safe place, you are the only one that can comfort them when they are crying at 3am, you understand their cries, your love understands their every want and need in this world. Then all the sudden a voice snaps you out of this daydream
"Mom, you can leave me now! I am fine."
What the fuck...I can't leave you...you can't leave me! The once young boy who needed me for everything...I mean everything, says that he is fine, and I can leave him. I mean come on people, I know that this kid will move mountains and be just fine in Kindergarten. But he is my everything. It's funny how as a mother you provide so much for your children, being their everything, that you often don't realize how much you need them in your life, and how they become your everything.
I never wanted children, like ever, ever. I wanted to focus my time and attention to my marriage, and well me. I wanted to be successful, focusing on my career and move mountains of my own. When I married Nick, I knew that he wanted kids, he knew I hated them. They were so annoying, messy, and soul suckers. Why in the world would I want a soul sucker of my own? Then Tucker graced us with his presence...48 plus hours of labor that ended in an emergency C-section. This tiny ginger baby boy showed his beautiful face. Then everything changed...I mean don't get me wrong he is very annoying, messy, and sucks every ounce of my soul from my body, but I wouldn't change it for the world.
They say when you have a child, your heart just walks around outside your body! This couldn't be more true. Listening to those words, "Mom, you can leave now. I'm FINE." was a punch to the chest. Watching Tucker walk into the elementary building was like watching my heart walk away from me, getting farther away, farther away from my reach, farther aware from my protection. My everything, my heart was walking away from me, he no longer needed me in this moment. This Kindergartener that made me a mommy, a mom, a mother, a new woman was taking my heart and walking away with it, getting farther away from me. The what if's started to kick in, the anxiety was rushing over my body, I couldn't breathe, then he grabbed my hand.
That tiny, soft, forever mine hand reached for my hand...I could breathe again.
As the breath rushed back to me, I looked down at my heart and smiled. I smiled because I knew that even though this little human was starting the next chapter of his life, he was still forever mine. He would be holding a part of me with him every where he went. He would always call me mommy, I mean eventually he will change it to mom I"m sure because that is way cooler, but I will save that for another blog...hopefully many years down the road.
Being a mom to this little boy has changed my world, yes I may have felt like I lost my identity as an individual (again, another post), but I did find my place in this crazy messed up world, right where I needed to be...standing next to the love of my life, holding his hand as I cry tears of joy, watching my little boy walk into Kindergarten. It may have been a tough, emotional day for me, but I realized that I won't be able to protect my heart from everything in this fucked up world. But I can be right there waiting at home when that little heart gets broken. I will share in his sorrow, joy, frustrations, failures, and successes. It might just be the first day of Kindergarten, but when those flashes of life glaze over you, it is the rest of your life that you see. The rest of your imperfectly joyful life passes by you whether you are ready for it or not. There wasn't a damn book or piece of advice that prepared me for this day, and nor could either of those things compare to the real deal.
So I'm not here to give you advice on what to expect when your first born goes to Kindergarten...because it fucking sucks. It straight up sucks the life and breath out of you. You will then fully understand the feeling of watching your heart walk away from you. You will understand the feeling when you son comes home and says he wants to marry his teacher, because he loves her so much. While of course, you will be happy to hear that he had a good day, but it will rip your heart out because he used to say that to you...his mother, the woman whose vagina is ruined, whose ass now has dimples the size of golf balls, all because of the cute little blonde boy who wants to marry his teacher! Seriously?!
Ok all dimples aside...this day was hard for me. It was hard for me to leave the little human, walking away with tears in my eyes only to wipe them away, get in my car and drive to the hospital. The same hospital where I was born, and where my son was brought into this world. The hospital that was fighting for its own life...fighting to safe those that are suffering from hardships themselves. Patients that have COVID, patients that are both vaccinated and unvaccinated filling up our floors, bringing the anxiety back for round 2 of the pandemic. Really puts things into perspective doesn't it. Dimpled ass me fearing that my son will struggle through his first day of Kindergarten while numerous patients are alone in their hospital rooms fighting for their lives during this pandemic. The hospital walls have a way of putting you in your place every once in a while. The gray walls stare you down and breath down your neck and remind you that your imperfectly joyful life is in fact your life and some aren't as lucky. As imperfect as it may be, as much as I may struggle some days, my team is dealing with a beast of its own. Everyone is struggling with this pandemic...so get educated and get vaccinated.
Ok soapbox over! Back to Kindergarten feelings...all of the feelings. So now what? Tucker walks into the elementary school to start his next adventure. I honestly know he will be fine, he is the class clown, and very outgoing. He will make friends...but will they be the right friends? I can't speak for myself because I didn't make or keep friends very easily in school, but Nick sure did. He met his best friend in Kindergarten, and they are still best friends today. They were in a singing group in high school together, went to college together, drank a beer for the first time together, grew up together, and they were each others best man at their weddings. I can only dream that my son will find a friendship as perfect as Joey and Nicks.
I firmly believe that Nicks friendships in school helped shape the person he is today. The man of my dreams and damn near perfect in every way. He was able to surround himself with individuals that pushed him to achieve greatness, made him a better person, and overall supported his dreams and goals in life. I wish this for my son, I hope he finds his best friend in that classroom, someone who will help guide him to become the best version of himself. Someone who can protect him as close to how I would as his mother.
"Mom, you can leave now. I'm fine."
Those famous last words were said before I left my son...my heart to go to Kindergarten. Son, I know you are fine...you are my heart. Now go change the world with your sweet smile, funny jokes, and tender soul. I will see you at pick up. Your mommy loves you!