I lost something today.
Loss is a part of life, but you don't need me to tell you that. I'm sure that most of you reading this have had loss in your life to some degree. A death in the family, miscarriage, divorce, death of a pet, fortune, independence, child - well you get my drift. Loss...it sucks. But can the loss of something be good for you?
Can the loss of a toxic situation/person/job/habit in your life be better for your well being, family, self, and joy?
Losing anything is your life is hard, I mean hell losing your car keys, creates an inconvenience in your life. So how can the loss of something bring you joy? I lost something today, a friend. Now it's not what you think, this individual is still very much alive, still pursuing their dreams, and I am finding joy in this loss.
I am a woman in my 30's and it is hard for me to keep friends. That statement hurts to say out loud. I have had a lot of friendships over the past 30 years of my life. I have been a bad friend, I have had bad friends, I have needed a friend, I have wanted to be alone with no friends. But what I have learned is that those that you spend your days with often are brought into your lives for a reason, and might not be meant to be forever. I have always been a little bit of a loner from the beginning. I was an only child for 9 years before my parents had the audacity to bring other humans into my life. I was bullied in school, and clearly that didn't make me a popular girl in my small town. I participated in Improv and oral interpretation in high school. (and no for you sick folks out there, look it up, it was reading literature for competition!) So I wasn't cool or had many friends, let alone life long friends that cared to stay in touch with me 20 plus years later. So needless to say friendships are hard for me, I am starting to consider myself the common denominator, the issue, the problem.
Well, I will own my impact I have had on any friendships that I have lost over the years. I am sorry to anyone reading this that was once my friend. Whether we cheated on math tests together in high school, you were my maid of honor, the girl with the best house growing up, or the one that moved away in college and never looked back.
I am sorry that I wasn't there for you if you needed me.
I am sorry that I missed your wedding, your daughter’s birthday, or your graduation.
I am sorry that I wasn't the person that you needed in your life.
I am sorry that I couldn't bring out the best version of you in our friendship.
I find myself often thinking about those I no longer have in my life. Was I the toxic one? Was I the one causing stress? Did they find joy in their lives when they stepped away?
I lost something today…I lost a friend. Things happened…feelings were hurt…we are no longer friends. Complicated yet simple departure. I find myself grieving this loss in my life, lonely to an extent to not have this contact. But yet I find peace in the absence.
A long lost friend of mine recently sent me this quote she found:
You're allowed to change your mind about the people and things you want in your life. You’re allowed to adjust your values and preferences as you get older and wiser. You're allowed to evolve and be a different person today than you were yesterday. This is your life.
This is your life...You are allowed to change your mind. Find the things that bring you joy, laughter, happiness, and warmth in your days. If you have to get rid of toxic people in your life to find that joy, you are allowed to do so.